The August news drought is a particularly grim time of year: there is hardly anything to read in the online newspapers apart from stories about cute kittens and horny dinosaurs – a sad state of affairs, since there is nothing left to do in the office except work. However, as duly reported last week, this year's the news drought has been postponed indefinitely.
We are now living in the interesting times of the allegedly 'Chinese' proverb. If a global debt crisis wasn't enough, the streets of London have now descended into total chaos, as if taken straight out of a 1980s post-nuclear sci-fi flick.
Disaffected youths, under the delusion that they are somehow entitled to the same lifestyle as the perfectly average people they read about in OK! Magazine, have taken matters in their own hands. They are now doing what was once the prerogative of royals and nobles, namely burning and looting.
Police officers, journalists and unkempt mayors have started returning in hordes from their holidays to take advantage of the chaotic situation. There are even unconfirmed reports that Michael Caine has cancelled his holiday to reprise his role as Harry Brown, this time with real bullets.
As an outside observer, I shall remain impartial and only retweet what I have read in the newspapers. It is clear, however, that the very fabric of British society is being ripped apart. Anyone who's been reading the online comment section can see what the problem is: the general softness and impotence of the government.
The solution is of course very simple: there must be an end to effeminate social policy. What Britain needs is strong, masculine politics, as were the case when the country was ruled by its first woman Prime Minister. Whereas David Cameron is helpless in times of crisis without spin doctors or corrupt hacks like Andy Coulson, Baroness Thatcher would simply ask herself, "What would my dear friend Augusto do?"
After the early demise of Mary Whitehouse at the tender age of 91, the country completely lost its moral bearings. To prevent further riots, there must be a return to traditional values,, strictly Old Testamental sex education in schools, and of course corporeal punishment – or, as the Scripture so delicately puts it, "Spare the rod and spoil the chav." Furthermore, television, newspapers and the internet must serve the moral good. In our dark times, Amy Winehouse has eclipsed Mary Whitehouse in the media. There is only one solution: the resurrection of the Whitehouse's Clean Up National TV campaign.
The future of the United Kingdom depends on a few key institutions, such as the Monarchy, the Conservative Women's Organisation, and Letters to the Daily Telegraph; without which, there would indeed be anarchy in the UK.
First and foremost is of course the Oxford English Dictionary.
Apart from being indispensible at work, the OED serves as a moral compass, settling disputes and granting the owner a halo of pure learning. As the concise OED is available free online, rendering printed copies obsolete. There is simply no need to loot bookshops in search of a good dictionary anymore.
In addition to being a useful resource, there are endless procrastination possibilities hidden within the OED site. Simply looking up words randomly at four o'clock in the afternoon is a good antidote to work: for instance, did you know that the words rapid and rape share the same Latin root?
There are also lots of language resources on the site, such as guides to grammar and writing, and even a weekly crossword section. If you're not the only one bored in the office, may I suggest that you involve your colleagues in The Oxford Dictionaries Spelling Challenge, where you get to spell words like verisimilitude or pyrrhic.
After that, I'm sure you will be relaxed enough to be able to continue your moral crusade on the Telegraph's comments' section, powered by DISQUS.
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MORAL DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed above are not necessarily the opinions held by the author, or any person, living or dead. Do not attempt to make acronyms based on Mary Whitehouse's campaigns.
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