This New Year's Eve was unusually rough, which meant that New Year's Day would be even rougher. I knew I would have to pay for what I had done. It felt like someone wearing gloves covered in engine oil had shoved a duck's bill down my throat, and I half-expected to make quacking sounds when I finally managed to vomit. Instead, only a weak snorting sound could be heard, matching the image of that pathetic pale pink pig in the mirror.
It was one of those claustrophobic hangovers when it feels like every single item in the room is staring at you. Even the kitchen table knew what a filthy bastard I had been; and the plain refusal of these pieces of furniture to speak only made my suffering worse.
It turned out to be a drawn-out affair; the physical and emotional torment would not be confined to a single day. I was woken up in the middle of the night, by God – in the shape of a spider. It was enormous and looked like it was made out of yarn. The slow, mesmerising movement of its body and thin legs did not stop me from screaming out aloud.
After a few moments of utter panic, I came to my senses. God does not exist, which means this monstrosity floating in the air above couldn't possibly exist either. I calmly closed my eyes and went back to sleep.
However, this episode left me thinking, and I quickly realised that there are advantages of hangovers – advantages that are often overlooked. To go to work with a splitting headache and hyperactive gag reflex, without betraying to the world how one really feels – is that not the mark of the true gentleman?
They make your life more interesting
With hangovers comes anxiety and paranoia. Your usual, nonchalant suave self is immediately replaced by a person afraid of managers and spiders. This is a blessing in disguise: suddenly, the office stops being a dull place where you simply bide your time; instead, it turns into a jungle where everyone's out to get you. Your manager throws a cold gaze in your direction. Does he know how incompetent you really are? Are you going to lose your job? Why is the desk next to you empty?
A simple thing like walking over to the coffee machine turns into something similar to the trench warfare of the Great War: if the mustard gas doesn't kill you, the next personal appraisal definitely will.
You receive a call from an unknown number. Cold sweat… All of those questions buzz around in your head like a swarm of hornets anticipating a kick from a Scandinavian crime fiction character: Who? Why? Do they know? How did they find me? What are they going to do to me?
With a hangover, you get to step into a world of spies, drug traffickers and hit men, without leaving your office.
A challenge
Your job might be boring, simply stamping form A1 or compiling expense reports – endless lists of dull meals and dull hotel room enjoyed in dull non-descript places that are only ever mentioned in expense reports… However, when you're suffering from a hangover, boring routine tasks suddenly become interesting challenges:
- In your sorry state, looking at an Excel sheet with more than two colours without actually throwing up is akin to running a marathon.
- Sitting through a PowerPoint presentation, without letting your superiors know that you are indeed very similar to a seasick Siamese sailor on smack – this is a feat requires both luck and skill.
- The sound of the pencil sharpener or photo-copier – or colleagues for that matter! – is no longer harmless background noise; it is now an ordeal, a test of your willpower and endurance.
- Finding a way to have a nap in the office without being noticed, is that not a challenge worthy of the Duke of Zhou?
A good hangover provides a fresh start
If we could harness the powers of the gross national anxiety of any county on New Year's Day, we would indeed be able to move mountains – or even wipe out clichés once and for all. On a personal level, this sudden rush of emotion gives you a strong incentive to start doing something about those New Year's resolutions that you defiantly laughed at only a few hours earlier.
Quit smoking? Stay away from alcohol? Be fitter, healthier and more productive? Learn how to dance the Salsa? Now you finally have the chance to turn your dreary existence into something beautiful!
You clearly deserve it
Let's not forget, there is a religious dimension to hangovers.
Karma leads to Dharma. The sinful shall burn in hell for all eternity. Not only are you punished by God, you are also punished by an even crueller enemy, namely yourself.
Waking up the after is just like being dragged out of bed and put in front of the most unflattering fitting room mirror imaginable, that shows every blemish and irregularity. And it is not only your physical appearance: in fact, when you're having a hangover, it's like your personality is put under a microscope: every little crack, every little dark spot turn into a bottomless void, threatening to devour you.
It is obvious that you need some sort of punishment to restore the moral order of the universe, and this punishment is something you create yourself. You needn't look further than your iPod, where you find a bunch of Radiohead albums that you must have downloaded sometime in November 1995. For a second you forget that Thom Yorke is a moaning, negative git; much like, well, you.
That's the beauty of the hangover – it's OK to be one. You drift away in smug satisfaction, barely pretending to work.
Thanks to this on this pointless cycle of paranoia, nausea, pipe dreams of self-improvement, self-hate and religious fervour, you have succeeded in wasting an entire work day. That important document that you have been randomly clicking in for the past seven hours is no nearer completion; and quite frankly, after going through your own personal hell, you don't really give a damn.
Congratulations, you have clearly earned a reward – would you care for another drink, perhaps?
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: The author(s) cannot be held responsible for any failure to adopt a healthy, balanced lifestyle. iPod® is the property of Apple Corporation; the devices and content mentioned above are the property of moaning, negative gits.
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