The French film director Robert Bresson once said: "When you're in prison, the only thing that matters is the way out."
He had a point.
The whole concept of an open plan office is strikingly similar to that of a prison: after all, it's all about surveillance. There's nowhere to hide, the last remnants of privacy and solitude are found in the lavatory. Luckily, Skype makes it possible to communicate with fellow inmates in a fairly discreet way – no need to learn Morse code in order to tap messages to the prisoner on the other side of the wall. And then, there's always a need for fuelling your thoughts and your ulcers, which means you have a legitimate reason to stop by the coffee machine at regular intervals. According to a certain Guy Browning, who likes giving advice on procrastination, "In the workplace, more than half the cups of tea and coffee consumed in the average day are made to avoid doing something more important."
It is just like that exercise yard where the prisoners get to walk around in circles for a number of minutes each day. The best thing about it is that – for the most part – there aren't any jailors shouting at you not to talk to the other inmates. It's a brief respite at best, but if you're serious about procrastination, you will be able to extend your coffee breaks almost indefinitely – while maintaining your air of professionalism. Any good work-avoidance scheme requires careful planning, since there are a number of dangers ahead…
Looking like you're not working
It is common knowledge that people who walk slowly are lazy. Moving in an unhurried fashion betrays your general lack of direction in life; moreover, it draws attention to you: "Look! He walked past, smiled and said 'Hello'! How could he! The audacity…!'
Instead, you should strive to emulate the kind of stressed-out, Type A personality overachievers who get things done: cultivate a brisk, slightly hurried walk, preferably while looking at some documents or your phone.
Once you reach the coffee machine, it is important that you maintain this aura of industriousness. Keep looking at your phone; it doesn't matter if you're in fact looking at the latest football results, or some suggestive pictures that you just received via MMS – if you look busy, people will just assume that you are.
Managers
Every time I leave my seat, I meet my manager on the way. God knows what he's thinking, but the damage is kept to a minimum by the above tactics.
It is of course worth a detour just to avoid being seen by the people who are in a position to fire you. Even if they aren't your direct managers, it is of course not a good idea to be seen as a person who always goes for coffee breaks. Therefore, you need to co-ordinate your little excursions. Going to the bathroom can of course be combined with a coffee break, which means that two five-minute breaks are joined into a longer 20-minute one, while attracting less suspicion from your superiors.
Even better is to volunteer to run small errands for your boss. Photocopying a few pages is easy, gets you away from the desk for a while, and is a goldmine for procrastinators who know how create paper jams. (See previous post for more details.) Running errands for your boss means you have to go to his office, which of course entails a stop by the coffee machine on the way back. Moreover, when you come back to your peers, they will assume that you have actually been working, and that you must be doing well since the boss trusted you with an assignment.
Of course, you might want to go one step further: if you keep track of your boss's own coffee break routines, it will be easier to remain unnoticed. Stay clear of the coffee machine whenever you see the boss walking over in that direction; if you delay your coffee breaks until a few minutes after your manager has gone back to his office, you will maintain the illusion that you're always at your desk. In fact, this tactic should not be reserved for managers only, since there is another more dangerous enemy in the office:
Workaholics & Overachievers
When you have a break, you deserve a proper one. However, the workaholics and overachievers in the office will do their best to spoil your fifth cup of espresso by talking about work. Like with the managers, you should keep track of their routines (and believe me, their daily routines have been exactly the same since they first joined the boy scouts or Hitlerjugend) so that you can avoid conversations.
The workaholics are easy to spot: they constantly find excuses to stay in the office; they create meeting request in Outlook and even make little Outlook tasks for themselves to keep track of the meeting requests they haven't already sent out.
The overachievers are of course dangerous, because they need underachievers: next to a basket-case, mediocre performers seem excellent. The problem is of course that in order to be praised for their excellence, they need someone to compare favourably with. That's why overachievers are so quick to point out substandard performance in the workplace, it will indirectly make them look good in comparison. As mentioned above, the only way to avoid this is to emulate the behaviour of the overachievers. If you manage to hide your incompetence, the will have no reason to stab you in the back.
So, instead of wasting your precious time-wasting time on workaholics and overachievers, you should find the right kind of people to mingle with during your coffee breaks.
Ideally, they should be people who don't look like procrastinators, but who are interesting conversation partners and are easily swayed into extending their coffee breaks indefinitely. Any stupid conversation topic is of course preferable to your average office tasks, but of course, you get bonus points for gossip, slander and indecent speculation.
To make your Friday afternoon more enjoyable, here's are a few other tips on how to survive in the office. Enjoy your weekend!
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Toshiba Information Systems Group Ltd. cannot in anyway be held responsible for any injuries caused by paper jams or paper cuts. Leave the printer alone.
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